How do I initiate sex?

Sometimes in my coaching sessions, one partner complains that the other is not initiating sex enough. 

The problem in this most recent situation was their partner honestly didn’t know what to do. How do we initiate if we don’t know what it looks like?

Initiating can work really well if you know what turns your partner on. This can be a simple conversation:

• what are the signs you think you’re giving me to show me you want to have sex? Or 
• what actions are turn-ons for you that inspire you to want to have sex?

In some cases, their proverbial wires are getting crossed. We might think we are signaling interest but our partner doesn’t receive it.

Important note:

Despite culture telling us that “men want to have sex all the time” – it’s just not true for everyone. We cannot just assume this is the case. 

Make sure your partner is in the mood or could be up for it. Stressful situations with work or family are not super sexy or even conducive to sexy feelings. Take a minute to reflect on how you would feel if your partner tried to initiate with you if you were stressed. Would you be annoyed? Turned off? It’s okay to check-in and ask how they’re doing. 

If they are stressed, see if there’s anything you can do to help them feel less stressed. That might get them to a point of accepting or welcoming arousal. This advice goes for anyone of any gender.

Helpful tips

Hopefully, this list is more helpful to you than just telling you to “go wild”, “take total charge” or “devour their body”. How is that helpful for initiating? 

When I’ve seen lists like this in the past they read like cheesy scenes in a movie. Things like “leaving a trail to the bedroom for your partner to find you” often don’t go as smoothly as they do in the movies. Perhaps your partner misses the visual cue and goes to turn on the TV and then you feel rejected or fall asleep waiting. That’s no fun for anyone. 

My suggestions, besides the obvious step to check the mood first, are mostly active ones, “let me show you I’m interested” types. Of course, there are some passive ones in setting the scene, but those are even obvious if they’re happening at a time your partner would typically be in the bedroom and the time is right. 

Here’s a partial list

1. Text “come to bed” to your partner
2. Walk by them wearing a towel and then drop the towel. Or toss the towel to them. 
3. Take off an item of their clothing – slowly
4. If they like it, nibble their ear or neck
5. Set up a code word that lets your partner know you’re in the mood. 
6. Arrive to bed naked. Or be waiting in bed naked 
7. Touch their arm firmly or play with their hair in a lingering, loving way. 
8. Hand them your bra or underwear and walk toward the bedroom
9. Play “your song”
10. Do a mini striptease
11. Create a coupon for your partner (massage, etc)
12. Avoid going for the genitals… touch them everywhere but there.
13. If you do go for the nipples or genitals, do so very gingerly. Do not attack like an overeager unexperienced teenager. 
14. (If they have the time and are not in a hurry) Join them in the shower and soap each other up. 
15. Tell them, “if you’re up for it, I’m in the mood to have sex.”

The build-up:

1. Leave love notes for them to find
2. Whisper lovingly with each other
3. Text suggestive things you want to do to them throughout the day 
4. Give them flowers
5. Give them a treat they might not give themselves
6. Approach your partner and give them a lingering, firm-ish kiss. One that lets them know you’re there. Not a peck and run. 
7. Try a longer, more passionate kiss. Dial it up a bit in comparison with the previous suggestion. 
8. In a showy way, plug in your phone/device in a room other than the bedroom (especially if you’re accused of being on it too much)

Setting a scene:

1. Turn on a diffuser with a favorite scent
2. Light candles 
3. Wear a special outfit (depends on your partner; not everyone likes lingerie)
4. Put flowers in the space
5. Rose petals on the bed
6. Put on perfume (the one your partner likes)
7. Put on your favorite sexy boxers/briefs/panties  
8. Put on your favorite music (or pick something from this Songs for Sex Spotify playlist)

Goes with the PDF How to initiate sex

3/25/21

Idea from client

Sex Tokens – a token of item that signals to a partner very playfully that they are interested in having sex with their partner