How To Screw Up Valentine’s Day
There are many ways to do Valentine’s Day. I’ve written a lot about my thoughts of this holiday here and here but there’s definitely a way to do it wrong. I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s as a holiday (Bet you never expected to hear that from a “sex expert.” ) So with that, here are my thoughts on how to screw up Valentine’s Day.
Specifically, there are 4 things to do wrong on Valentine’s Day; expectations, disappointments, pressure to be in relationships, and way too much pressure to “have sex”.
Note: If you’re on the same page and communicating openly with your partner about plans and how/whether to celebrate, then this will likely not apply to you.
Expectations
Some people expect their partner to do stuff for them, anything from a grand gesture, or showering them with gifts, to whisking them away to a romantic weekend. These expectations might also show up when people judge if their partner doesn’t reciprocate in the “right” way. This leads to…
Disappointments
Others get disappointed if their partner doesn’t want to buy into the Hallmark Holiday and shower them with gifts or attention (see above). But instead of speaking up and admitting vulnerably what they wanted and how they felt not getting it, they may clam up and pout or begin to harbor resentments. Speaking from my 20- and 30-year-old me’s experience, this is really not great for a relationship.
Pressure for Relationships
Some folks seek to get into a relationship in the months just before the holidays so they have someone to celebrate the holidays with (this is called “cuffing season” after all). To do this, they might settle for any relationship and lower their standards just to so they don’t have to be alone. Sadly, our culture has historically portrayed being alone on Valentine’s to mean you’re a “loser” (I hope that post is satire but it’s only from 2016. I strongly disagree with this. Being alone any day of the year does NOT make a person a “loser”..)
Pressure to “Have Sex”
The last point is the pressure to have sex. You’d think a sexologist would be telling you to go out and have lots of sex (if you got it in you and you’re up for it, go for it!). You’re not gonna see “7 days of lingerie” or “7 days of positions” challenges from me. Like, EVER.
Let’s say you really want to have sex with your partner but just haven’t in a while and you’re feeling awkward about it. Just telling you to have more sex isn’t gonna help. This is where I love to help – folks who love each other but may have lost that connection and want to find that again.
Potential Consequence
When you screw up Valentine’s Day there can be consequences. Ideally, you are willing and able to have a mature, vulnerable conversation about feel if you’re hurt. Did you know that the day after Valentine’s is the busiest on affair promoting site Ashley Madison? Disappointments and smashed expectations are often what women list as reasons when they sign up. If your partner didn’t meet your expectations, taking a “screw them” or “I’ll show them” attitude is not going to help you long term.
What can we do?
“How to screw up Valentine’s Day”? It’s easy. But it’s also easy to NOT screw it up with honest communication about what you want or need. Having wants and needs is totally allowed.
I’d like to say that we should be showing our partners love all of the days of the year. But I know I’m one voice against a whole culture that wants you to buy all of the things on this particular day; Flowers. Chocolates. Lingerie. Candles. Cards.
I want to encourage you to celebrate this day in whatever way feels natural to you with whomever you want. Maybe that’s a nice gift or a handwritten love note. Maybe it’s a thoughtful “date”, or a quiet night in reading books side by side on the couch. With a bestie, a fur baby, a lover, or all by ourselves.
Happy Valentine’s Day, 2021.
xxoo,
Lanae
P.s., I’m not gonna add more things to buy to the list. Instead, because I love you and because I want you to have the love and intimacy you desire, I’m sharing with you my list of 30+ Date Night Ideas: COVID edition. You can use these with any of the targets deserving of your love and attention.
Please write to me and tell me which one you use or which one is your favorite. If you have one that’s not on the list, please write back and tell me that too.