Navigating Intimacy with Kids Around

There are fewer things more embarrassing to a parent than having a child walk in on them having sex. I hear time and time again that this is one of many parents’ biggest fears. So much so that some parents won’t have sex if their kids are awake or anywhere within earshot. So what’s a parent to do if they are feeling very passionate toward their partner on a lazy Saturday morning and the kids hear you having sex?

Soundproofing for Privacy

If you don’t live in a house that separates the master bedroom from the rest of the bedrooms in the house, my advice would be to experiment with soundproofing. Playing music or turning on the TV for background noise can be a great distractor from that perspective – as long as it does not distract YOU. Put this in place and use it regularly so it doesn’t become suspect when you need it. Then, you have systems in place to safeguard the sounds of your lovemaking. Otherwise, you’re all going to need a great sense of humor. 

A Personal Story

Recently, it was one of those lazy Saturday mornings in my household… but I did NOT have soundproofing in place. I do listen to music as I wake up but this particular morning I did not. It was cozy in my bed and my partner & I were talking and laughing as we slowly woke up. Happy souls together in a cozy bed, hands beginning to roam, and eventually, we got to the part where skin was hitting skin. 

My girls sleep in the room adjacent to mine with a partial shared wall. Not long after we began, my partner froze and said breathlessly he thought the kids were calling me. I called out of the room, “What? Did you call me?”  

Marcia, my oldest, called out in an annoyed tone, “Mo-o-o-om, we can hear you.” 

“‘Hear us what?” 

(laughing/a little sarcastic) “Really? You’re gonna make me say it?”

Steve and I snickered quietly, me out of embarrassment, then I suggested, “Why don’t you go downstairs to watch TV?”

Marcia replied, “Because we can hear you from there too.” Which made us giggle again.  At that point, my partner turned to me and, with a mischievous smile, whispered, “Can you hear me now?”  …This also made me laugh. Marcia started to answer but couldn’t finish because she was laughing herself, then added in that typical t’ween ugh-parents-are-so-ridiculous-tone, “I don’t wanna think about it.”

“Can you hear me now?”

Image source: http://tera-forums.enmasse.com/forums/lake-of-tears/topics/Faces-of-Lake-of-Tears?page=28


Let me make it clear – I do not have intercourse in front of my children. I’m not leaving my door wide open, and I have trained my girls to knock when a door is closed. My house is not large, and my kids are not small – we live together in a small space, and that’s ok. Being sexual is also ok. I do think it’s healthy to normalize happy adult sexuality to children – We do this through conversation. 

(Side note: if you’re curious to read about cultures that do share rooms, check out Mangaia: http://www.paradiseislands.co.nz/mangaia.html where the extended family lives in one room and having sex in the same room is the norm and judging by the sounds made, a sign if a partner is doing a good job. 😳😯)

The Contradiction in Parental Messaging

    Speaking of conversations about sex, one of the most bewildering notions I’ve heard from other parents is the idea that we should tell our children, ‘Sex is what two people do when they love each other,’ but then, paradoxically, live almost as if we’ve taken a vow of celibacy. This contradiction is not lost on our children. When parents avoid showing love or playful affection towards each other, especially in the presence of their kids, it sends mixed signals. It’s like saying one thing and doing another. Our actions – or in this case, the lack thereof – can unintentionally convey that sex and affection are things to be hidden or even ashamed of. This approach may leave kids with a skewed understanding of what a loving, intimate relationship looks like.

    Creating a Healthy Dialogue About Sexuality at Home

      I’m grateful that my kids have a sense of humor about sex. That is precisely the attitude I’ve wanted to foster in my household – sex is funny, and we don’t need to be secretive about it. At the same time, because no one really needs to hear everything going on in the privacy of a bedroom (i.e., they didn’t give their #consent to have to listen to it), soundproofing is a good idea. 

      Have you been caught before? How did you handle it? How do you prevent it?

      xxoo

      The MamaSutra 

      About the Author The MamaSutra

      Dr. Lanae St.John is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and certified sex coach with a background in sexology and a passion for helping people improve their sexual health and relationships. She is the author of "Read Me: A Parental Primer for "The Talk"" and the upcoming "You Are the One: How stopping the search and looking inside will lead you to your romantic destiny," and is committed to staying up-to-date on the latest research and trends in the field. Dr. St.John aims to share her knowledge and expertise in a relatable and approachable way through her blog on themamasutra.com.

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