Wondering how to achieve orgasms that are not only more satisfying but also more intense and prolonged? You’re in the right place. Here, we peel back the layers of quick fixes and delve into a holistic approach to sexual fulfillment. Whether you’re curious about the physical, emotional, or psychological components of pleasure, or looking to refine your communication and self-exploration techniques, let’s embark on this empowering journey together.

Ready to transform your intimate experiences? Let’s explore the landscape of your sexuality and unlock the secrets to profound pleasure.

Components Of A Good Orgasm

Achieving a really good orgasm is much more than the physical climax: it’s a mix of physical, emotional, and psychological elements. Let’s break down these components to understand how they contribute to your pleasure:

  • Physical Connection: Knowing and being in touch with your body is the foundation. This involves recognizing what stimulates you, from the gentlest touch to the most intense pressure. Tickles to scratches. Caresses to spanks. Regular self-exploration and mindful masturbation can enhance your awareness and response during partnered sex.
  • Emotional Intimacy: Orgasms aren’t just physical; they can be deeply emotional. Ever cried after an orgasm? It’s a really complex thing. So many emotions. Building a trusting, open relationship where you feel safe to express your desires and vulnerabilities can profoundly affect the quality of your climaxes.
  • Mental State: The mind plays a pivotal role in sexual satisfaction. Stress, anxiety, or distractions can inhibit your ability to fully engage and enjoy the moment. An increasingly common habit, doomscrolling—the act of continuously consuming (often negative) news online—can exacerbate these feelings, leading to mental exhaustion and reduced sexual desire. Techniques like meditation, deep breathing, or erotic visualization can help clear your mind and heighten your focus during sexual activity.
  • Relational Dynamics: The interactions between you and your partner(s) significantly impacts orgasmic experiences. It’s normal to not feel like you want to get sexy with your partner when you’re annoyed with them. Repairing after an argument and working through disagreements can restore emotional closeness and even begin to rekindle sexual desire, leading to a more satisfying sexual relationship.
  • Exploration and Education: Continuously learning about any of the varied aspects of sexuality and experimenting with new techniques, positions, or fantasies can revitalize your sexual encounters and lead to more intense orgasms.

Each of these components contributes to the overall quality of arousal and an orgasm. By incorporating each aspect, you head toward fulfilling sexual experiences. If you’re eager to learn more about these dimensions and enhance your sexual journey, consider sex coaching. Together, we can unlock the secrets to your sexual fulfillment.

How To Have Better Orgasms

Better orgasms, IMHO, begin with a complete and thorough exploration of your own body and how you think and feel about it. Doing a Mirror Exercise can help to unlock and bring to the surface that pesky negative self-talk. Then, after the negative stuff comes out, practice compassion, self-love, and acceptance. 

I love Louise Hay’s Mirror Work: 21 Days to Heal Your Life:

Mirror Work: 21 Days to Heal Your Life

Here are some fun ways to incorporate this self-exploration into your daily routine and sex life.

  • Explore Your Body Through A Genital Self-Exam (GSE): Start by engaging with your body visually. Use a mirror to explore your anatomy—not just the genitals but your entire body. Pay special attention to parts that you might feel insecure about. This process is crucial in acknowledging and gradually accepting all aspects of your physical self.
  • Address Negative Self-Talk: After identifying any negative thoughts during the Mirror Exercise or the GSE, challenge these narratives. Actively work to replace these thoughts with positive affirmations.  For instance, if you think “my thighs are too big,” counteract with affirmations like “my body is strong and beautiful.” Write these affirmations down so they can be reminders later of your worth and beauty. Want more ideas? Check out my list of sexual affirmations.
  • Practice Compassion And Acceptance: Transform your self-perception by actively practicing self-love. This could be through self-care routines, affirming your body’s capabilities, or simply speaking kindly to yourself as you would to a loved one.
  • Self-Care Routine: Incorporate activities like taking a warm bath, performing an abhyanga massage, or meditating with the loving-kindness metta prayer. Want more ideas for practicing self-love? Download my ebook Self-Love Saturday for a year of self-care ideas!
  • Reflective Journaling: Regularly write down positive experiences related to your body or sexual experiences, focusing on moments of joy and satisfaction. This practice helps to reinforce positive feelings and reduce the impact of any negative thoughts. Want a little guidance? Download my workbook “Create Your Own Users Manual” for a better understanding of what turns you on.
  • Go Slow: Slower than you normally would. Embrace taking your time with sexual things. I know many people learn to go fast to “get it over with” or to “avoid getting caught” but this isn’t the best for really melting into the experience. How does this work? For example, during foreplay, enjoy prolonged touch and caress, exploring your partner’s body thoroughly, and allow for gradual escalation towards more sensitive areas. Really FEEL what you’re feeling, both literally and emotionally. This approach not only builds anticipation but enhances the sensitivity and pleasure of the experience.
  • Prioritize Foreplay: This one goes hand in hand with the above tip. Foreplay is essential, and more than just a quick warm-up. Start by exploring areas that don’t get as much attention, like the neck, ears, and inner thighs. This can include massages, kisses, and gentle nibbles. See how long you can avoid the genitals altogether. You want your partner to be literally begging before progressing to more direct sexual stimulation. 

Please note: Sometimes people, particularly those socialized as women, might feel uncomfortable with extended foreplay at first. There’s a lot of societal programming suggesting that sex is primarily for men’s pleasure, which can lead some to feel self-conscious about taking their time to get aroused. If it seems like your partner is hesitant or rushing through this phase, use it as a chance to open up a conversation. Asking, “What do you think about when we take our time with foreplay?” can help make the space safe for their feelings and reassure them that their pleasure is important and valued.

  • Communicate Your Desires: Yeah, everyone says this. What does it look like? Clearly articulate what feels good to you. Instead of general statements, provide specific instructions like, “I love it when you stroke my hair and then gently scratch your fingers down my back.” Providing clear, positive feedback during the moment can also guide your partner and enhance the experience. There is a not so great and a better way to redirect your partner. This is something I work on with my clients if needed.
  • Self-Discovery: Dedicate time to explore your own body through masturbation to understand your preferences for touch, pressure, and rhythm. This personal knowledge is so important for figuring out how to communicate your needs and desires to your partner.
  • Use Lube: Use a quality lube to reduce friction and enhance pleasure. Experiment with different types to see what works best for your skin and your activities, such as thicker silicone-based lubes for longer-lasting smoothness or water-based lubes for easy cleanup. If you are using sexual health devices or “sex toys,” note their recommended lubes to avoid damaging the toy’s surface.
  • Manage Stress: Find what activities best help you reduce stress, like yoga, deep breathing, or a simple walk. Reducing stress improves your mental well-being and enhances your ability to respond to sexual stimulation.
  • Educate Yourself and Your Partner: It’s worth it to update your personal knowledge database from time to time. Explore books, workshops, or credible online content. Share articles you find on the topic. Or sign up to chat with your favorite sex coach (that’s me, right?) and together we can talk about techniques, understand your bodies, and appreciate the sex you’re having.

How To Have An Orgasm During Sex

Reaching orgasm during sex isn’t just about the right moves—it’s complex. Lots of factors are at play like body, mind, and emotions. If you find this part of your sex life frustrating, you’re not alone. In fact, a 2017 survey revealed that while men typically achieve orgasm nearly 90% of the time, as little as 65% of women reach orgasm during sex; 4 out of 5 women cannot reach vaginal orgasm with penetration alone.

Here are practical steps you can take to address this: 

  • Check in With Your Doctor: it’s always a good idea to rule out any medical issues that could be affecting you. Sometimes, things like hormonal imbalances or neurological conditions can be the culprits. A quick chat with your healthcare provider can set your mind at ease or help you address anything that needs medical attention.
  • Talk to a Sex Coach: This is where I come in! Working with a sex coach can be a game-changer. We can dive into what’s really going on beneath the surface—whether it’s emotional blocks, unlearning miseducation, communication bumps, or maybe you just need some new strategies to try out. It’s like having a personal trainer, but for your sex life, helping you find what works uniquely for you.
  • Visit a Pelvic Floor Specialist: Not a lot of people talk about this, but surprise – your pelvic floor plays a big role in the orgasm department. If there’s too much tension, or if things aren’t working quite right down there, it can really put a damper on your ability to climax. A pelvic floor specialist can teach you exercises to manage that tension and improve your overall pelvic health.
  • Consider Sexological Bodywork: If you’re up for something a bit different, sexological bodyworkers do some pretty amazing work. They use physical techniques to help you connect more deeply with your body and improve how it responds sexually. It’s powerful stuff, especially if you feel like you’ve tried everything else.

Remember, exploring these options isn’t about finding a quick fix—it’s about understanding and nurturing your body’s needs, paving the way for better and more enjoyable experiences. So, take it one step at a time, keep an open mind, and most importantly, be kind to yourself through the process. You deserve a satisfying sex life, and with the right support, it’s within reach!

Is There An Easy Orgasm Solution?

While the idea of a quick fix to achieving better orgasms might be tempting, the truth is sexual pleasure can be highly nuanced. As a sexologist and sex coach, I encourage a more holistic approach. Achieving fulfilling orgasms regularly isn’t about a quick fix; instead, it involves a commitment to figuring out, understanding, and nurturing your sexual self.

Exploring the various dimensions of your sexuality is key. This means not only getting to know your body’s physical needs and responses, but also the psychological elements, like emotional intimacy and mental relaxation. Everyone’s path to improved orgasms is unique, shaped by their past experiences, relationships, and bodily knowledge.

To truly enhance your orgasmic experiences, invest time in learning what brings you pleasure, communicate openly with your partners, and consider professional guidance if you find obstacles along the way. 

As your sex coach, I’m here to provide tailored strategies and support. Looking for how to have a better orgasm and expand your pleasure? Consider booking a session with me, and let’s explore your full potential together.

About the Author The MamaSutra

Dr. Lanae St.John is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and certified sex coach with a background in sexology and a passion for helping people improve their sexual health and relationships. She is the author of "Read Me: A Parental Primer for "The Talk"" and the upcoming "You Are the One: How stopping the search and looking inside will lead you to your romantic destiny," and is committed to staying up-to-date on the latest research and trends in the field. Dr. St.John aims to share her knowledge and expertise in a relatable and approachable way through her blog on themamasutra.com.

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