(updated for 2020)Learning about Consent-Life Application

In Part 1, I shared the one experience of going through the first days of a 5-day consent workshop and how it felt to my limbic system and threw me back to the days of being a mother of newborns. Brutal!

So now:

Part 2 – A Real-Life Application of What We Learned

On the evening of night three, I was not quite as physically and emotionally drained as I was in the first two days, so when my partner and I had plans to go out after dinner, I didn’t bow out. While we were chatting, I shared with him some of the exercises we learned in class. Specifically, I told him about 2 of the concepts from the workshop; the Wheel of Consent (see pic) and the “3 Minute Game”. This game is one where you and your partner take turns asking each other these two questions:

“How would you like to touch me for 3 minutes”

and

“How would you like me to touch you for 3 minutes”.

Somewhat playfully, my partner indicated his desire to lay perpendicular to me in my arms with his head near my breasts and have me stroke his cheeks lovingly. This was kind of a surprise to me because he hadn’t asked for anything even remotely like that before. I remarked how the position evoked in my visions of breastfeeding – loving and nurturing. Something so simple and so tender yet entirely in the realm of things I would be comfortable offering to him. I tucked that away in my head for later.

Later…

We got home pretty late that night, and as we were getting ready for bed, I offered this nuzzling and stroking thing he said he wanted earlier in the night as the how-would-he-want-me-to-touch-him-for-3-minutes. With narrowed eyes, he seemed skeptical and questioned if that really would give me pleasure. Yes, it absolutely would give me great pleasure to do this thing for him. His level of disbelief shocked me.

Okay, now here comes the part where a discussion of consent is more than just a simple yes or no…

and if you refer back to that Wheel diagram above it’s a bit easier.

We tried to get comfortable enough to do this while lying in bed – this position really is better if the cuddler is sitting more upright and the cuddlee is lying down. Since we were both too tired to do that, I asked my partner to come up with something else. So he asked me, “How would you like to touch me for 3 minutes?” Feeling sleepy, I asked, “May I play with your hand” (see Take on the chart). He voiced his disappointment, saying he was hoping I would ask to “touch his dick.”

(Here’s the challenging part) I genuinely said, “Yes, definitely there are times when I love touching your dick. Doing so at 2 am on a “school night” when I am tired feels like I would be Serving instead of Taking, which might start a whole thing of Allowing that I’m too tired to begin. Doing what you want me to do would be serving, and that isn’t what I would like.”

He understood and was grateful for the explanation, and (this is important) he didn’t harbor any resentment, nor did he pout or try to make me feel shame for what I didn’t want. We compromised, and after getting into a comfortable position of me lying on my back, he draped his arm over me such that I had unfettered access to his hand and I took pleasure in feeling his skin, played with the joints of his fingers, and fiddled with his hand.

We both fell asleep in that position, but a couple of hours later I woke up. Wet. And horny.

I’d unlocked something powerful

By actively taking what I wanted (to play with his hand) and my partner allowing me access to his hand (a gift from him in this instance), I got the step out of the giving role (anything on the left side of the Wheel of Consent) and become the “Taker”, putting myself in that upper right quadrant of the Wheel. I was the do-er who received the gift of access to his hand. He was the person being done-to who received a gift of loving touch for him.

So, how does this translate?

Moms, if you’re like me, you’re constantly on the Giving/left side of the equation – Serving others or Allowing access to your body. There are even instances when you’re in a role that is supposed to be Accepting, but in reality, it’s Allowing. You and I can work together to help you get to the other side of the wheel.

Dads, read what I wrote to Mom above. You and I can work together to understand your role and how you can help facilitate mom grabbing that mojo back.

Teens, who are watching from the bleachers, know this: When you

1. Learn how to communicate what you want,
2. Listen to your partner without judgment,
3. Know about boundaries (yours and the other person’s)
4. Trust that the other person knows their limits &/or support them so they learn theirs such that they can speak up about them, and
5. Respect the other person even when they reject what you ask for, it frees you up for a more connected and amazing experience.

If this article has resonated with you and you want to learn more about taking your sexuality back, let’s talk. I offer discovery calls to explore working together.

Let’s commit to start 2020 in a positive way and figure out the many ways to think about consent.

xxoo,

Dr. Lanae

The MamaSutra

I’d love to hear about your experiences, so if it’s comfortable for you, feel free to share your story in the comment section below.

I have lots of resources for you to check out or you could schedule a discovery call. We can discuss how to enhance your relationships. There are many topics with which I am comfortable; let’s talk. I get so much joy out of witnessing the growth and enjoyment of my client’s experience. 

New to this site and want to start at the beginning?  My first post will give you some background.