Being around a sexually confident person is absolutely intoxicating. The smooth self-assuredness and open sexual communication that comes with sexual self confidence make sex fun. Luckily, sexual confidence is something that you can cultivate.

I’m going to explain exactly what sexual confidence is, what it looks like to be sexually confident, and how to unleash your own sexual confidence.

What Is Sexual Confidence?

Sexual confidence is the self-assurance that emerges from recognizing and embracing your own sexuality, desires, and boundaries. It involves understanding what makes you feel attractive and desired, as well as communicating your needs and preferences clearly and respectfully in intimate situations. It’s that radiant glow of self-assurance you feel when you’re totally in tune with your own sexuality—knowing what tickles your fancy, what turns the dial up on your desire, and how you dance along the lines of your comfort zone. It’s a journey of self-discovery and affirmation, where you learn to navigate your desires and intimate experiences with a sense of empowerment and self-respect.

What Sexual Confidence Looks Like

Sexual confidence looks like owning your desires with a wink and a smile, setting boundaries with ease, and stepping into intimate moments with a vibe that says, “I’m comfortable in my own skin.” It’s about engaging in conversations about what pleases you and what doesn’t, with the lightness of someone discussing their favorite movie. It’s radiating the kind of self-assurance that comes from knowing you’re the main character in your own story of desire and connection.

Here’s what being a sexually confident person looks like:

• Casually discussing likes and dislikes with a partner without hesitation or embarrassment.
• Initiating intimacy when you feel the desire, without fear of rejection.
• Comfortably saying “no” to things that don’t align with your boundaries.
• Wearing what makes you feel good, not what you think is expected.
• Laughing off any awkward moments during intimacy, recognizing they’re just part of the sexual experience.
• Asking for what you want in bed with confidence and clarity.
• Accepting compliments gracefully, without self-deprecating comments.
• Flirting openly, enjoying the interaction without worrying about the outcome.
• Maintaining eye contact that expresses interest and intent, not shying away.
• Being open about your sexual health and ensuring safe sex practices are followed.
• Experimenting with new experiences or fantasies without sexual shame or fear.
• Embracing and expressing your unique sexual identity or orientation proudly.
• Handling rejection with grace, knowing it doesn’t define your worth or desirability.
• Celebrating your body’s capabilities and pleasures, rather than focusing on perceived flaws.
• Confidently navigating conversations about consent, ensuring mutual comfort and agreement.

That’s all fine and dandy, but how do we become sexually confident? Sexual confidence begins with self confidence. It comes with getting to know yourself, your own body, and what brings you sexual pleasure. And that’s exactly what the rest of this post is about!

Common Reasons Why People Lack Sexual Confidence

Many find themselves grappling with sexual confidence due to a cocktail of factors that can dim their inner sparkle. From societal pressures that sketch out a narrow definition of desirability to personal experiences that leave behind a residue of doubt, the reasons are as varied as they are complex. Add to this the whispers of past rejections or the shadow of not feeling knowledgeable enough about one’s own desires and boundaries, and you’ve got a recipe for uncertainty. Yet, understanding these common culprits is the first step toward reclaiming your confidence.

• Societal and Media Pressure: Constant exposure to unrealistic beauty and lifestyle standards.
• Past Rejections: Lingering hurt from previous romantic or sexual rejections.
• Body Image Issues: Struggles with accepting and loving one’s physical appearance.
• Lack of Sexual Education: Insufficient knowledge about sexual health and pleasure.
• Communication Difficulties: Challenges in expressing desires and boundaries.
• Performance Anxiety: Worries about satisfying a partner or being good enough.
• Unresolved Trauma: Past experiences of sexual or emotional abuse that affect intimacy.
• Comparing with Others: Measuring personal experiences against those of others.
• Fear of Intimacy: Anxiety around getting close to someone emotionally and physically.
• Negative Self-Talk: Internalized negative beliefs about oneself and one’s desirability.
• Limited Experience: Feeling inexperienced compared to peers or partners.
• Shame Around Sexuality: Cultural or familial shame attached to expressing sexuality.
• Difficult Past Relationships: Previous relationships that have left a mark on one’s self-esteem.
• Uncertainty About Sexual Identity: Questions or confusion about one’s sexual orientation or preferences.
• Health Concerns: Physical conditions that affect sexual function or libido.

Notice that none of these things that massively influence your sexual confidence even take into consideration what you actually want for your sex life. If confidence is knowing what you want and how to communicate it, then it’s time to focus on what you want. What does sexual satisfaction look like to YOU? What is your ideal sexual partner? When do you experience pleasure?

If you want to feel sexually confident, then you need to know what the hell you want to begin with.

How To Feel Sexually Attractive

“How to feel sexually attractive?” Now, before you roll your eyes and think, “Ah, here come the generic pep talks,” hang on. We’re going to work this one out.

I’ve been mulling over this, breaking it down word by word – feel, sexual, attractive – because I’m not about to give “easy” answers here. Everyone’s journey towards feeling sexually attractive is deeply personal and for some, may involve navigating past traumas. Moving at your own pace and seeking professional support if needed is crucial. I want to dig into the layered meanings of these words, and explore what it means to feel alive, acknowledged, and align with your unique expression of sexuality and attraction.

Get in touch with your feeling body

To “feel” is to be in touch with the surface-level sensations as well as the deep emotions and intuition within us. At times, we all fall into the trap of distracting ourselves from feeling.  Let’s peel back the layers. However, remember, this journey might stir unexpected emotions for those navigating trauma. Be gentle with yourself and seek help if you need it. 

Here are some action steps designed to help us rediscover and reconnect with our feeling selves. 

1. Digital Detox: Unplug to reconnect with your inner voice.
2. Mindfulness and Meditation: Presence enhances self-awareness, a crucial step in understanding our inner world.
3. Creative Expression: Use creativity to explore and express emotions, acknowledging its power to heal.
4. Nature Connection: Connect with nature to find peace and grounding.
5. Physical Movement: Celebrate your body, recognizing the joy and release movement brings.
6. Conscious Consumption: Choose what nourishes, being mindful of habits that numb rather than nurture.
7. Gratitude Reflection: Dive deep into gratitude, considering the impact and significance of each appreciation.
8. Seek Connection: Embrace supportive relationships, valuing emotional support and shared experiences.

Explore your sexual desires and interests

Now, onto “sexual.” Oh, how this word has been boxed, packaged, and sold in bite-sized pieces that hardly ever fit right! Let’s unpack this, shall we? “Feeling sexually attractive” involves understanding, embracing, and getting curious about what feels good, what interests you, and how you express your sexual self. You might have been redirected as a child from these feelings, but now, as an adult? Your body, your way.

1. Self-Exploration: Approach your body with curiosity and kindness, respecting your boundaries and comfort levels.
2. Educational Exploration: Seek knowledge that empowers, being mindful of sources that respect diverse experiences and healing.
3. Open Communication: Honesty builds trust and intimacy, a foundation for healing and connection.
4. Emotional Connection: Depth in sexual experiences fosters healing, emphasizing the importance of emotional safety.
5. Challenge Societal Norms: Embrace your sexuality on your terms, recognizing the role of societal pressures in shaping our views.

Seek attractive and meaningful connections

And then, we have “attractive.” Now, if you’ve ever caught yourself mirror-gazing and picking yourself apart, you’re not alone. But attractiveness is not a universal standard to be achieved; it’s a personal state of being that draws the right connections to us—those that align with our true selves. 

1. Mirror Exercise: Look at yourself in the mirror and see beyond the surface, offering kindness and love to every part of yourself, acknowledging the journey of acceptance and healing.
2. Redefine Your Attraction Criteria: Align attraction with your core values, fostering connections that honor your true self.
3. Celebrate Diversity in Attractiveness: Broaden your understanding of beauty, valuing diverse expressions and experiences.
4. Focus on Connection, Not Perception: Seek genuine interactions, creating space for authentic relationships.
5. Embrace Your Unique Style: Let your style reflect your inner self, wearing confidence as your best outfit.
6. Challenge and Change Your Beliefs: Update beliefs about attractiveness to affirm your unique appeal, stepping away from conventional standards.
7. Seek Depth in Relationships: Prioritize emotional resonance and shared values, embracing the beauty of deep, meaningful connections.

Feeling sexually attractive is a deeply personal experience, with no “right” way to explore or express it. It’s about creating a life and a self that you’re deeply attracted to, naturally drawing the right people and experiences toward you. For those navigating complex feelings or traumas related to sexuality and self-perception, remember there are professionals and therapists ready to help as well.

How To Look Seductive Without Trying

Oh, the elusive art of looking seductive without even trying! It sounds like the ultimate feat, doesn’t it? Over and over, we’re bombarded with media images and societal expectations (and podcasts and social media etc etc) telling us what seduction should look like—a carefully curated concoction of looks, gestures, and attire. It’s all SO PERFORMATIVE! Ugh.

But here’s the thing: Seduction isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of deal; it’s more like choosing your own adventure with so many possibilities. The mainstream might have us chasing after Sydney Sweeney’s pouty bedroom eyes or the iconic allure à la Jessica Rabbit with her “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way” vibe. But what if your version of seductive is more Magnum PI with his rugged chest hair and charming ‘stache? Or Jacob Elordi’s effortless vibe?

Find your flavor of seduction

Think about it: What flips your switch might totally short-circuit someone else’s system. And that’s the beauty of it! What draws you in? Is it the voice, the look, the aura, or something else entirely?

• Bedroom Eyes or Belly Laughs? While seductive glances across the room have their moments, maybe it’s a belly laugh that really gets your motor running. There’s something undeniably attractive about someone who can make you laugh until you can’t breathe.
• Voice of Velvet or Conversational Spark? Sure, a voice as smooth as velvet is classic seduction material, but what about the spark of a deep conversation? Sometimes it’s the mind that truly seduces, leading us into intellectual and emotional connection.
• Jessica Rabbit or Magnum PI? Ah, icons of seduction from the past. But here’s the twist: what if your idea of seductiveness is less about the body and more about the vibe? Confidence, kindness, passion—traits that transcend the physical and venture into the essence of a person. Morticia and Gomez Addams come to mind.

Ditch the influence of our pasts

Our perceptions of what’s seductive often reflect a variety of influences—from the movies we watched to the people we admired growing up. We tacitly accepted Victoria’s Secret as the epitome of “conventional beauty” until Rihanna came in and revolutionized the industry with Savage X Fenty lingerie, showcasing the GORGEOUS diversity of all the ways people can be beautiful. It’s fascinating to consider how these influences shape our desires. 

But here’s the kicker: what if our manufactured attempts at seduction, based on these influences, miss the mark? What if, in trying to embody someone else’s idea of seduction, we stray from our authentic allure?

Here are some questions to ask yourself to begin to understand the influences on your flavor of seduction:

• What are the earliest memories I have of understanding what seduction or attractiveness meant? Which sources (media, people, experiences) influenced these ideas?
• How have my perceptions of beauty and allure evolved over time? Can I identify specific events or influences that prompted these changes?
• To what extent have cultural, societal, or familial norms shaped my views on seduction and beauty? Are there any I consciously reject or accept?
• How do the brands, celebrities, or movements I support reflect my own values and perceptions of beauty and seduction? Do they promote a diverse and inclusive representation?
• Am I holding onto any beliefs about seduction and attractiveness that don’t truly resonate with me or my authentic self? What are they, and why might I be clinging to them?
• How do my current attempts at seduction align with the influences I’ve identified? Am I mimicking what I’ve seen and admired, or am I finding my own path?
• What changes can I make to ensure my expressions of seduction and beauty are more aligned with my authentic self rather than external influences?

Embrace your unique seductive powers

So, then what? Here’s a thought: Throw out the playbook. Yep, ditch it. Because your most seductive self isn’t best suited by fitting into a pre-defined mold; embrace what makes you uniquely irresistible. It’s in the quirks, the genuine expressions of joy, the passionate discussions about your favorite obscure topics. And ignore the rejection – that’s freeing you up to find what does vibe with you!

Be your most authentic self

At the end of the day, the real seduction is in being unapologetically you. It’s in the natural comfort with which you inhabit your skin, the light in your eyes when you talk about what you love, and the warmth of your presence that makes people feel seen and valued. That’s the stuff real connections are made of.

Not sure who your authentic self is? Try these exercises to get to know your authentic self:

• Begin by understanding who you are at your core. Reflect on your values, beliefs, and what truly brings you joy. Journaling or meditation can be powerful tools in this journey of self-discovery. Not sure where to start? Try my Values Clarification Workbook to get clarity on your 5 core values.
• Dedicate time to what you love, whether it’s a hobby, a cause, or a dream. Engaging in activities that resonate with your essence not only fulfills you but also makes you more attractive to others. Your enthusiasm and joy are contagious.
• Nourish your social and personal relationships. Invest time and energy into connections that uplift and understand you. These relationships can act as mirrors, reflecting back the unique aspects of your character and helping you to further explore and affirm your identity.
• Communicate your thoughts and feelings honestly. Whether it’s through your words, your style, or your creativity, let your unique self shine through without fear of judgment. Remember, authenticity attracts.
• Know your limits and communicate them clearly. Boundaries are a sign of self-respect and help you maintain authenticity in relationships. They allow you to interact with others genuinely, without losing yourself.
• Work on accepting and loving yourself as you are. This includes embracing your imperfections and forgiving yourself for past mistakes. A strong foundation of self-love supports authentic interactions with others.
• Authenticity is as much about being a good listener as it is about expressing yourself. Show genuine interest in others’ thoughts and feelings, creating a safe space for mutual vulnerability and connection.

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So, let’s open up this conversation: What does seduction mean to you? Is it the swaying of a cartoon siren, the charm of a detective with a ‘stache, or something entirely different? Let’s acknowledge all the ways we can be seductive by simply being our authentic selves.

How To Be More Confident In Bed

You may be wondering: “How can I become more assertive when it comes to expressing my desires, especially in the realm of sexuality?” Well, grab a glass of your favorite beverage, plop into your comfy reading spot, and settle in for two minutes because I’ve got some sexual confidence tips to share!

1. Know what you don’t want

There’s plenty of advice that says for sexual confidence in the bedroom, you have to “know what you want.” Easy for some, but for many, they have no idea what that is, and even the question stresses them out! So I’d like to encourage you to get clear on what you don’t want. Not just in the bedroom but in all aspects of life. Think of it like ordering your daily coffee at Starbucks. You’re no stranger to your “extra foam, caramel drizzle, extra hot, non-fat, no whip” order, right? Why? Because you’ve learned what you don’t like over time.

Actionable Step: Take a moment to journal a few things you know you don’t want in your intimate and non-intimate experiences. This clarity will help you navigate towards what truly excites you.

2. It’s okay not to know

Guess what? It’s perfectly okay not to have all the answers right from the start. Many of us, especially those socialized as women in the USA, haven’t been encouraged to be assertive about our desires. So, give yourself permission to explore and learn.

Think of it as trying a new Starbucks drink for the first time – you might not know if you’ll love it, but you’re curious, right? Approach your desires with the same curiosity and willingness to explore.

Remember, confidence in asking for what you want, sexually or otherwise, is a journey, not a destination. Besides, things can change from one encounter to the next! So be patient with yourself, embrace the learning process, get curious, and ask questions along the way.

By focusing on what you don’t want and allowing yourself room to explore, you’ll find that sexual confidence (in or out of the bedroom) in terms of expressing your desires will grow naturally. So go ahead, embrace your inner Starbucks barista and start crafting your perfect order in the bedroom and beyond. You’ve got this!

If you’re ever in need of some one-on-one guidance or support to boost your confidence and empower yourself, I’m just a call away. Whether it’s about finding your inner confidence, exploring your desires, or a better connection to your sexuality, I’m here to help you on your journey.

Stay fabulous, my friends, and don’t forget to sprinkle a little extra confidence into every aspect of your life.

xxoo,
​Lanae