Every once in a while, along comes an article that has the best intentions at heart but it goes so far off the rails it’s like it never was on the track. Allow me to present a recent post on HuffPo called “10 Things Your Daughter Should Know by the Time She Is 10”.

I spotted this in my facebook newsfeed from a friend of mine. My friend has kids the same ages as my kids (10 & 12) – actually lots of people with daughters of all ages reposted it. They did so presumably because this article has some good kernels of advice in it.

Normally I enjoy reading lists like these. They are easy to digest and sometimes have helpful reminders for how to raise our children. Deep down lots of us with kids already know what’s on this list and what’s best for our own kids… while being wary of advice from those without kids who know better than we do. That is not the case in this article. An author who self-describes as “Mom and daughter divas who enjoy fashion, makeup, fun hot spots and travel” wrote this article. I’m sure that sounds like lots of us – It’s me too except for the fashion and makeup part. Hey, a relatable author with a relatable topic! I settled in to read this thinking this was going to be a no-brainer, slam-dunk, sing “hallelujah”, preaching to the choir. But no. This article also pulled me out of a writing rut. The 1950’s called: they want their etiquette back.

As a Sexologist and mother, I aim to raise my two children in the most age-appropriate and informed way possible about sexuality but also to be media literate about the concepts surrounding sexuality. What most people think about when they muse on the concept of “talking to kids about ‘S-E-X’ is the penis-in-vagina or how babies are made talk – Sexuality is bigger and broader than just “sex”. When I say “informed about sexuality”, I mean I share with my children broader knowledge than just the penis-in-vagina thing, especially since that type of thinking doesn’t acknowledge other sexual behaviors nor same sex relationships. Also, I teach knowledge about gender, sex roles & socialization, and self-awareness and love. But more about that later.

The only way I can share my frustrations about this article with you would be for me to break it down in a point-by-point analysis.

Note: To me the title was the first offense. I mean, “Daughter”? When I read the entire article there wasn’t anything in there that was truly gender specific. So, given that, why isn’t this a list for our sons too? Ok, fine. Maybe it’s a form of clickbait and the author didn’t choose the name for the article. I can give this one a pass. On to the first numbered item. Keep in mind these are “10 Things Your Daughter Should Know by the Time She Is 10”:

1)   How adored she is. – I agree with the beginning and where the author is going: “No matter what you disagree on and even though sometimes you may yell” … I, too, want my children to know how much I love them, but I will do so regardless of whether they are boys or girls.
The second half of this item reads, “she should know she is the center of your universe – always”. Um, OK. That’s a highly romanticized item, but I’m sorry. I will NOT lead either of my children to believe such a thing; doesn’t matter if I have boys or girls. What kind of a messed up thing is this?
When these children grow up and start finding relationships they will look for someone who will make them the center of their universe forever. So many people enter relationships expecting that their partner will ALWAYS keep them as the center of their universe… and then life happens, jobs happen, children happen. Result? A ton of disillusionment and disappointment. Besides, if my children are supposed to be the center of my universe, where do I fit in? This might be an unpopular stance, but I don’t think it’s healthy for moms to martyr themselves for their children’s ego. I don’t want to send my children out into the world thinking the way a psychopath, a sociopath, a narcissist, or the like would.

2)  How to cook.  – This was the item that made me think of the 1950’s. Both sons and daughters need these basic skills – food preparation, meal planning, and healthy eating to name a few. When the author added this one, I interpreted it to reinforce the antiquated sex role that “A Woman’s Place Is In The Kitchen”. My daughters aren’t going to be the ones tied to the kitchen to make their partners a sammich – unless they choose to do so themselves but at that point I hope it would be out of love and caring, not obligation.

3)  Body changes are coming and what to expect.  – Here again, I would do this regardless of whether I am a parent of girls or boys. Both genders need to be told what is going to happen to their bodies so they are not scared, surprised, or shocked by what changes they see & experience. I think it’s also necessary to tell my children what the opposite gender child is going through as well. How else can we help our children understand the idea that the experiences of others are not our own?
I will also give props to the book the author mentions, “The Care & Keeping of You” by American Girl. Sadly, I have not yet found an equivalent book for boys.

4)   The harm of drugs. I agree with the author that regardless of whether you live in an urban, suburban, or rural area, both boys AND girls are potential users or abusers at a very young age. If we are going to paint such broad strokes about drugs then we should add alcohol, smoking, and prescription drugs in there too. I have family who has struggled with alcohol and its addiction. I have seen alcohol to be more damaging than drugs…at least that’s my personal experience.
I think this numbered item can be broken down even further though to the reality of the situation. Some drugs have a much higher potential for addiction and danger. I will tell my children about peer pressure. I will tell them I understand what it feels like to want to be popular or to want to “fit in”. My youngest tells me right now that she will never drink alcohol in her life. I tell her I am proud of her for knowing that and making that decision. I also tell her that if she should slip, or feel bad about herself because she was tempted, that she should not be too hard on herself. She is human. Everyone makes mistakes and I will do my best to make sure my children know they will always have my support and love (see point 1 above).
If I give my son the message that he is not to do drugs or alcohol on “no uncertain terms” then I think it might be damn near impossible for him to make the call to me that one night he needs to call me because he fears that admitting failure to me would potentially bring my disappointment. Man, that sucks for a kid.

5)   At this age, it’s important for them to know something about the facts of life.  – As a Sexologist this one had my brain exploding. I know most parents have a tough time with talking about sex. Not many can talk to their sexual partner(s) about sex so why do we expect the conversation with children to be any easier?? But can we PLEASE agree to NEVER use the euphemism “The Facts Of Life” again? Please read the original item:
“I know it’s a tough convo to have, but you surely don’t want them getting their info on the playground at school. I don’t think they need every detail, but a small chat will help them feel more mature about body functions and will prevent crude talk about the subject that they may hear from other kids.”
Now tell me, if you were not born in this country and/or didn’t grow up speaking the language, would it be clear to you that this author was talking about SEX or sexuality in this item? To me, knowing our cultural catch phrases, when I read that paragraph it is clear the author presumes sex IS just penises-in-vaginas – or at least that’s the only thing to address… but not too much detail! Hmm. So how exactly would the author’s version of that talk go,
“Ok so when two people love each other and lay together naked, the man puts his thing into the woman and 9 months later a baby is born.”
Overall, this tip is not helpful. The “advice” the author offers raises so many more questions than it provides answers; What is a small chat? An afternoon talk and now they know everything for the next 5 years? A tough convo? It doesn’t have to be a tough convo if you take it into everyday life. Don’t need every detail? How much is too much detail? Are you supposed to use proper names or “weewees” and “hoohas”? How exactly would it prevent crude talk from other kids?
I agree; no one wants their kid to get information about sex and sexuality from the playground. Nor their peers. Nor the porn they may stumble upon (omitted from the author’s paragraph but an absolute reality). But it’s got to be OK for parents to seek help addressing this topic. We are expected to know everything and sometimes it’s hard to admit there are things we have absolutely no clue about, sex notwithstanding. So when parents feel uncomfortable, they need to know there is nothing wrong with getting help here too.
Going back to the [deleted admittedly judgmental term] phrase “The Facts of Life” – This phrase bothers me to the core because this is a childish euphemism for “talking about sex”. I think it is important -nay critical- for parents to teach their sons and daughters facts of life such as these:

• That we are responsible for our own happiness.
• That Church and State are not as separate as they are mandated to be by the U.S. Constitution.
• Pharmaceutical drug companies want to make money and sometimes they don’t care what that does to people.
• That diamonds don’t have a fraction of the value after the initial purchase.

These are tough for adults to comprehend but I absolutely think a 10 year old boy or girl could grasp this.

6)   They should be aware how there are people all over the world and even in their own community who may not be as fortunate as they are.  – I have no issues with this item other than to underscore that it’s a fair concept to discuss with your children regardless of their gender. I might also point out that there will be people that have more than we do. And it’s not a competition. Keeping up with the Joneses may lead to a lot of unnecessary debt and dissatisfaction with what we currently have.

7)  Money doesn’t grow on trees. – In general, again I take no issue with this item.
“I admit I’m definitely a shopaholic, but I try hard to make it clear to my daughter that nothing comes for free. I worked since I was 15 years old and that gave me the opportunity to shop and travel. She is aware that no work equals no money equals no fun. When she gets money for birthdays and holidays, her father has taught her to split it up into three funds: one to spend, one for emergencies and one for long-term goals such as college. She keeps three separate banks so as not to confuse her funds. It’s a good habit for them to get into and will keep them on track later in life. “
I think the author got a little off track making it personal here; then this item begins to smell like white privilege. There are lots of people who start work at age 15 too but some may be doing so to help support their families. How does a daughter understand money doesn’t grow on trees when the example I read – interpreting from the word “shopaholic” – means compulsive shopping without regard to cost or necessity. Seems like “do as I say, not as I do”.
I agree that having a plan for what to do with your money is a good thing, and these good habits are just that for boys or girls.

8)   Appearance is important.  – OMG. We just traveled back through a time warp to 1950.
“She should know that personal grooming and appropriate clothing for different events are something that will be necessary throughout her life.”
I’d like my son to shower and care and dress for himself as well. I am an equal opportunity nag.

9)   Everyone won’t always be nice. Nowhere is this truer than in middle school, high school, and the PTA. Oh wait, we want to talk about “girl drama”? Girls learn it from the best. I’m sorry. I’m going to call this one out: the biggest drama queens I have experienced at my kids’ schools and vicariously through my friends’ friends as well have daughters who carry the torch. Nowhere does Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote become more evident than this topic: “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”
This is also where I like to suggest reading “Queen Bees and Wannabes” by Rosalind Wiseman. It would be wonderful if this book became required reading for both moms and dads of 10 year old boys and girls, if only to clue them in to what’s coming in these preteen/teen years in this aspect.

10)                 Life is not easy. – Amen. I agree.
Dude, shit gets “real” fast. Boys AND girls have it tough these days. For a kid to know they have a parent or other important adult that has their support? Well, that is a wonderful thing. But also, making sure our sons and daughters know it’s ok to ask for help should things get too difficult for them to handle alone… that’s the real safety net.

I know I can’t sway you if you still really believe there is nothing wrong with reinforcing bogus and antiquated ideas of gender. We will just have to agree to disagree. But if you really want to broaden and enrich your child’s life experience, consider learning a bit more about what gender means and how these old ideas harm more than they help. Sometimes we have to step outside our comfort zone in order to really grow.

I don’t like taking apart someone else’s hard work without offering up more than I have here; I want more positives. To that end, I commit to writing the List of Things a Kid of the 21^st Century Needs To Know – or some other witty name soon.

xxoo,

The MamaSutra

©2014 The MamaSutra