Talking to kids about sex can feel like navigating a minefield with a blindfold on—especially when the topic comes up unexpectedly, like when your kid finds your vibrator. Yep, that actually happened. In this post, I’m sharing what I said, why I said it, and how you can handle these moments with honesty, calm, and just enough humor to keep your sanity. Because these conversations matter more than you think.
True story. Here’s how it all started:
When Kids Discover Something You Didn’t Plan to Explain Yet
I’m in the bathroom one morning, brushing my teeth. In walks my eight-year-old Marcia. She is bored because she’s already ready for school, and she’s looking for something to pass the time. She absentmindedly opens a drawer where the hairbrushes are and sees my bullet vibrator.
(I always clean my toys and I just didn’t have a chance to put this one away where it belonged..)
It’s red and shiny and looks really cool, so she picks it up and says, “Mom. What’s this?”
me: (mouthful of toothpaste) “It’s nothing. Put it away.”
her: (fiddling with it in her hands) “No. What is it??”
What I Actually Said—and Why It Worked
Now, this is the moment I’ve been waiting for as a parent and as a student of sexology. I spit out my toothpaste and said, (big sigh) “It’s a vibrator.”
her: (not missing a beat) “What’s it for?”
By this time, she has figured out how to turn it ON…
me: “It’s for your private parts.”
And now, not only does she have it ON, but she ran the little bullet along her nose, over her eyebrows, and along her forehead, a little “d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d” noise from the bullet as it goes.
She said, “It tickles.”
I said: “Imagine what it feels like on your private parts.”
She promptly turned it off, put it back in the drawer, closed the drawer, and walked out of the bathroom.
What This Taught My Kid About Communication
I have to laugh at that whole interaction. It was brief. It was accurate. I could have made up some story about what it was, but I look at it this way: Kids figure out at a very early age that adults are full of **it.
(That’s also why teaching kids consent early matters)
When a parent says, “don’t run or you’ll fall!” and the kid runs anyway and doesn’t fall, there’s a little message they get from that. Add to that the numerous times a parent makes up stories, and the kid figures out it was a lie.
Why I Didn’t Make Up a Story
I once read the more warnings you give a kid that don’t turn out to be true, the more likely your kid is to ignore your advice because you obviously don’t know what you are talking about. See? Parents can be seen as lousy sources. So why not be truthful?
Yes, I Told Other Adults
Some dads (Yes, dads. Not any moms had an issue.) that I’ve explained this story to get sort of uppity about my telling her the truth. They asked, “aren’t you afraid of her going off and trying to find it again and use it on herself?” No, not really. She showed me her interest when she turned it off and put it away (I did put it away where it belonged after that). I am also certain that she got a very clear message from me that I was going to tell her the truth, whether it was embarrassing or not. This matters because so many of us didn’t get these messages until it was too late. Here’s what we learned from the ‘Drunk Girl Mating Call.’
Even IKEA leaned into vibrator humor in their ads — proof that curiosity and awkward laughs happen everywhere. Here’s a better version in HD (the missing IKEA tag line was “Tidy Up.”)
Final Thoughts
I think this set a really great precedent for our level of communication… stay tuned.
If you’re navigating this stuff in real-time and want support, I’m here to help. These convos don’t come with a manual—but I’ve got a good map.
xxoo
Lanae
If You’re Not Ready to Talk About Sex, Start Here
Want to be more comfortable talking about sex, bodies, and boundaries with your kids? That’s literally my jam. Check out READ ME: A Parental Primer for “The Talk” or book a session if you want personal support.
(Transparency time: I wrote the book. If you buy it, I make money. Not yacht money — more like finally clicking ‘submit’ on that cute pair of socks you’ve had in your cart for a week money. Still worth it.)
Free Bonus: 35 Conversation Starters for “The Talk” (PDF)
A calm, non-cringey way to begin. Use these prompts to open real conversations about bodies, boundaries, and relationships — at your kid’s pace.
- Section 1: Parent self-check (get grounded)
- Section 2: Healthy vs. unhealthy relationship cues
- Section 3: The actual sex questions (age-aware)
- Section 4: Quick facts to research together
From Dr. Lanae St. John, author of READ ME: A Parental Primer for “The Talk”
(Transparency time: I wrote the book. If you buy it, I make money. Not yacht money — more like an extra shot of espresso in my latte money. Still worth it.)
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