When kids ask, ‘Where did I come from?’, it’s not just about biology—it’s an opening to a bigger conversation about family, values, and connection.
My girls (We’ll call them Marcia & Cindy) know that I’m studying sex at school. Actually, when you Marcia tells it, she says her mom is “studying people’s bodies”, which I guess is age-appropriate.
The Surprising Question My Child Asked
Anyway, I have a number of *ahem* “school supplies” in my home and because my focus is helping parents talk with their children about sex, I have a number of European kids’ books. Most of these cover simply reproductive biology (as Americans don’t talk about pleasure or fantasy as it relates to human sexuality for adults, teens, or children at all, but I digress…). So you can imagine my surprise when, one day, my eight-year-old came to me and asked,
“Mom, how do you have sex and not get pregnant?”
Well, don’t that beat all?! Not only did she skip the dreaded, “Mom, where did I come from?” but she went straight for the throat. Not to mention she asked the question in a way that prevented me from answering, “Don’t have it.” (Clever girl, huh? She takes after her mother, you know.) But seriously, my answer was that there are a couple of ways. Keep in mind “Don’t have it” was not going to work as an answer because of what her question was.
When introducing these sensitive topics, it’s also important to understand how to teach consent to kids, as building trust and respect early sets the foundation for ongoing honest conversations.
How to Answer Kids’ Sex Questions Clearly and Simply
My basic approach in answering on this topic is to answer as best I can IN ONE SENTENCE (a challenge, believe me).
Keeping Answers Short and Age-Appropriate
I told her that women can get a pill from their doctor that prevents pregnancy, but it doesn’t protect against sexually transmitted infections. She asked what those are, and I explained that they were sicknesses a person may or may not even know they have that can make people contagious, sick, and/or even die. She asked, “What about the man? Does he have to take a pill?” I told her about condoms.
and how they protect from pregnancy and STI’s. She asked how, and I told her it was like a special sock for a man’s penis that protects both the man and the woman during sexual intercourse. She giggled a bit and wandered off.
Again, like the last interaction with her about the bullet vibrator, it was short and sweet, and to the point, and that was all she wanted to know. Of course, there are lots of possible answers I could have given her, but I wanted to give the best answers I could in as short an answer as possible. This keeps her from being overwhelmed, and she can stop me whenever she wants.
Why It’s Important to Gauge What Kids Already Know
I realized two things afterward.
Redirecting Misinformation Early
One, that I didn’t ask her what she knew to start. I see that as an opportunity for every parent to gauge how much the child already knows and redirect any misinformation (which is RAMPANT!!! More to come on THAT topic), and
Addressing Heteronormativity in Sex Education
And 2, my answer was very hetero-centric. I hoped for another opportunity to fix that.
UPDATE: She did! Read all about our conversation here.
xxoo
Lanae
Suggested Resources
- How to Talk to Kids About Sex
- How to Teach Consent to Kids (Part 3): Even Santa Needs To Get Consent
- Do’s & Don’ts Of Consent For Kids: Part 4
- Orgasms and Parenting: Can They Actually Help?
- And no list would be complete without my own Parenting and Sex book – “READ ME: A Parental Primer for “The Talk””
(Transparency time: I wrote the book. If you buy it, I make money. Not yacht money — more like getting the lip balm and the matching hand cream money. Still worth it.)
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