Have you ever noticed how easy it is for the people-pleasing part of you to say “yes” when deep down, something in you knows the answer is really no? If you’ve been trained—by family, culture, or past relationships—to put others first, it can feel almost impossible to know where your own boundaries begin.
People-pleasers often think the problem is “out there” (others taking advantage), but the real transformation begins when you start noticing how you allow your own boundaries to be crossed.
My First Time Trying This
The first time I practiced a boundary exercise, my practice partner gently touched my face—brushing my cheek, tracing near my mouth, skimming over my skin. At the time, nothing seemed “wrong.” I told myself it didn’t bother me, and I sat through everything they did.
But after the exercise ended, I realized something important: I hadn’t actually liked it. I hadn’t spoken up. I had endured. Tolerated.
The second time I tried the exercise, I made a different choice. I tuned into myself and noticed the moment before I began to feel uncomfortable. This time, I said stop even before my partner got to the point of touching me. And the difference was huge. I felt a sense of agency (power/my voice) in my body, like I wasn’t just going along with things anymore.
That shift—from tolerating to choosing—is the heart of the work.
Why People-Pleasing Happens
Psychologists have found that people-pleasing often develops as a survival skill. Maybe you learned early on that keeping others happy kept you safe. Maybe conflict felt dangerous, or disappointing someone meant losing love. Over time, the habit sticks—even when you’re no longer in those situations.
Your body often knows before your mind does. Subtle cues like tightness in your chest, shallow breathing, or a quick impulse to pull back are signs your nervous system is saying, “No, this isn’t okay.” Research in somatic psychology and neuroscience shows that these body signals are reliable messengers—even if we’ve trained ourselves to ignore them.
Two Practices That Help
1. Boundary Mapping
This exercise helps you tune into the moment when your body says, “That’s enough.” You practice noticing subtle signals—tightness, hesitation, impulses to pull back—before you’ve gone too far. Saying “stop” early helps to build the muscle memory of agency.
2. The Animal Game
This is a fun one directly from the Somatica Method. By playing with your “inner animal,” you bypass the polite, people-pleasing brain and drop into instinct. This sheds your inhibitions—helping you feel your impulses, play with energy, and experience what it’s like to move and interact without overthinking.
Both practices aren’t intended to make you push yourself; they’re teaching you to practice awareness, so you can catch the difference between what you want and what you allow.
But Isn’t People-Pleasing Just Being Nice?
There’s nothing wrong with generosity. The difference is whether your “yes” is given freely—or out of fear of conflict, rejection, or guilt. Real kindness comes from choice, not compulsion. (People-pleasing)
Isn’t Saying No Selfish?
Not at all. Honoring your boundaries actually makes relationships stronger. When you say “yes” authentically, people can trust you mean it. When you always say yes—even when you don’t want to—resentment builds, and connection weakens.
Why This Matters
Learning to stop people-pleasing doesn’t mean you are swinging to the other extreme. We’re striving for balance—being able to feel into your body, notice your desires, and express them clearly. When you can do that, you create intimacy based on choice, not obligation.
FAQ
Why do people struggle with people-pleasing?
Often it’s a learned survival skill—prioritizing others to avoid conflict, rejection, or disapproval.
How do I know when to say no?
Your body tells you: tightness in the chest, hesitation, or a subtle impulse to pull back. Those are signals to pause.
Can boundary exercises improve intimacy?
Yes. Honoring your limits builds trust, and intimacy feels deeper when it’s chosen—not performed out of obligation.
Your Next Step
If you’ve ever wondered, “What do I really want?”—these practices can help you find the answer in a safe, embodied way. Start with small experiments. Notice one moment when your body says “no,” and practice honoring it.
👉 Want more guided practices? Explore my Confidence in Bed Starter Kit or book a call to learn how to stand firmly in your own agency while staying deeply connected to others.
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