Sex Isn’t the Only Way to Connect: Sex and Parenting Edition

Here’s why some parents feel broken when the sex stops: You have kids. You’re tired. You’re stretched in ways you never imagined. And suddenly, the thing that once made you feel close, alive, and desired—sex—is either missing, mechanical, or totally off the table.

The world tells you this is a problem. That if you’re not having sex, something’s wrong with your relationship. That desire should bounce back quickly. That intimacy looks like candlelight and lingerie, not burp cloths and baby monitors.

But you know what?

Most couples struggle with sex after becoming parents. And that doesn’t mean your relationship is broken.

Some couples bounce back to a sex routine quickly. Others need time. Both are normal. The problem is the pressure to return to “how it used to be” without acknowledging how much you—and your relationship—have changed.

The Lie That Sex Is the Only Way to Connect (And Why It’s Hurting Us)

There’s a quiet, persistent myth that sex is the best or only way for couples to connect. I was reminded of this again recently in coaching a new couple. And where do we learn this? It’s everywhere.

• Movies make the sex scene the moment love becomes “real.”
• Books and pop psychology tell us it’s the barometer of relationship health.
• And when sex goes quiet? So does our sense of closeness.

But the truth is that sex is just one way to connect—not the only way, and NOT always the deepest.

What The Data Says

• With a baby under 1: 46% were having sex 1–2 times/month. 6% weren’t having sex at all.
• With kids aged 1–4: The majority were still in the 1–2 times/month range, with many reporting even less.
• Even with kids 5+, frequency started to pick up, but it wasn’t wildly high and many couples still were having sex a couple of times a month at most.

Here’s the kicker: many reported they were happy with the sex they were having, but wanted more. Which tells us this isn’t just about physical frequency.

This is the nuance that never makes it into the “just do it” advice columns or parenting magazine spreads. It’s not that parents don’t want sex. It’s that they want connection. And sometimes, sex feels like too much pressure or too high a bar for where their bodies, emotions, or schedules are.

This Is Identity, Not Sex

What no one tells you before kids is that becoming a parent often rewires your relationship to your body, your time, your partner, and your autonomy.

And if you’ve been taught that sex is the main way to connect, you’ll likely:

• Feel ashamed when desire is low
• Worry that your partner will drift
• Grieve who you used to be
• Push yourself into sex when you’re not ready

When you read this, I’m sure you recognize that this isn’t intimacy. This is survival mode. And no one thrives there.

Connection Isn’t Gone—It’s Just Evolving

What if couples stopped asking, “Why aren’t we having sex?” and started asking:

• Where are we finding joy?
• When do we feel closest?
• What kind of touch feels good right now?
• What helps us feel like a team?

The truth is, there are dozens of ways to stay close during seasons of low or no sex:

• Silent snuggling while your toddler naps
• Laughing at the same dumb meme
• Sending a text that says “you were on my mind”
• Leaving a voice note that says “I miss us”
• Offering non-sexual touch without agenda

None of these is “less than.” They’re foundational.

These moments don’t always look sexy or cinematic, but they’re genuine. And for many couples, these acts become the glue that holds things together during tougher seasons.

Enter: The Connection Compass

This is exactly why I created the Connection Compass—a framework to help couples navigate intimacy when sex isn’t front and center. The four directions?

1. Connection to Self: Understanding your own needs, boundaries, and identity beyond “mom” or “dad”
2. Connection to Your Partner: Finding tiny moments of teamwork, appreciation, and presence
3. Connection to Your Body: Reclaiming your body on your own terms: through rest, movement, or non-sexual touch
4. Connection to Freedom: Making space for individuality, play, and permission to not be “on” all the time

When you build intimacy in all of these areas, sex becomes one expression of closeness, not the only one. This is the new intimacy map for modern parenting. And it doesn’t rely on spontaneous, performative sex to prove your relationship is okay. It relies on real connection, in real life.

This isn’t a rigid program or one-size-fits-all fix. It’s a flexible way to help couples locate themselves when the old maps stop working.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

You are not broken if sex isn’t happening every week. You are not failing if your desire has changed. Instead of thinking of intimacy as one thing, think of it as an ecosystem—diverse, dynamic, and capable of evolving.

If you’re in that foggy, disconnected season of parenting and wondering how to find your way back to each other—I’ve been there. And I can help.

Coaching gives you a space to talk about the stuff you might not have yet been able to say out loud. It’s where we name what’s missing without blame, and rebuild without shame.

Let it breathe. Let it grow. Let it be enough.

xxoo

Lanae

Want help mapping your Connection Compass? Book a session here.

Missed Part 1? We explored the myth that sex is the ultimate form of intimacy—and why expanding your map of connection changes everything.
Up next: What if we taught relationship skills before the crisis? Blog 3 lands soon.