If teaching kids consent sounds complicated, it’s because adults made it weird. In this wrap-up post, I’m breaking down what to actually do (and NOT do) if you want to raise kids who understand boundaries, body autonomy, and how to say “no” without flinching. Yes, even to Grandma. Especially to Grandma.
(Continuing from Parts one, two, and three)
A Quick Recap Before We Wrap
In summary of the points in the previous parts, I have some suggestions for how to proceed. Check it out.
DO — How to Teach Consent That Sticks
- Think about what comes up for you when considering this topic. Will YOU be embarrassed? Do YOU think it’s rude? Why? Were YOU forced to do this when you were little? How you feel is likely different than how your child feels because you are different people with different experiences.
- Recognize this isn’t about being rude or impolite. Some other form of polite greeting can be taught in its place.
- Offer alternatives to hugs and kisses: high fives, handshake, fist bump, curtsey/bow, polite verbal greeting. Be creative.
- Watch your child’s body language. Support them if they don’t want to hug or kiss a relative.
- Observe your child’s feelings. “I notice you’re clinging to my leg…”
- Then, validate what the child could be feeling. “…are you scared?”
- Realize that allowing your child to choose whom and when they want to touch or be touched is a transferable skill. If they learn it now at 3, it’ll be easier when they are 13 or 23.
DON’T — What Undermines Consent Lessons
- Pout or try to make the child feel bad for refusing your affection. You’re the adult here. You can handle the rejection.
- Force the child to give hugs. If they’re clinging to a leg, tell the child that you will be here when they are ready for a hug.
I bet a child who gets to choose in their own time who they want to be affectionate with will go off to college a confident kid in part because they learned this lesson early and in a setting that was safe.
This is part of a bigger issue we see in how we educate (or fail to educate) kids about consent and boundaries. I break more of that down here.
Why This Matters More Than Ever
I hope this helps clear up why it is important to let kids learn how to make these choices. I’m open to hearing your thoughts on this topic as it relates to what I’ve written above. If you agree, please share this post with others you think might like this series. Thank you for reading.
xxoo,
Lanae
The MamaSutra
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New to my work and want to start at the beginning? My first post will give you some background.
If you would like to purchase my book, please click here. A portion of this four-part series originated from my chapter on Consent. There’s more on each of my 5 Building Blocks to a Healthy Sexuality in the book as well.
Also in this Series on Consent:
This blog series focuses on teaching kids consent and making sure they feel empowered in their choices.
Part 1: How to Teach Consent to Kids (Part 1): Why the Girl Scouts Are Right
Part 2: Kids Can Say No To Hugs – Even Grandma
Part 3: Even Santa Needs to Get Consent
“Teaching kids consent doesn’t start with ‘the talk’—it starts with how we respond when they say no to a hug. These everyday moments are the curriculum.”
— Dr. Lanae St.John
What This Teaches Us About Raising Respectful, Self-Aware Kids
Want help teaching your kid about consent, boundaries, and body autonomy—without making it awkward? That’s literally my jam. Grab my book READ ME: A Parental Primer for “The Talk” or book a call to see if I can help you sort this out.
(Transparency time: I wrote the book. If you buy it, I make money. Not yacht money — more like I can buy the good coffee pods without guilt kind of money. Still worth it.)
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